


My Shivered Bones

by Beb



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Amputation, Angst, Blood and Injury, Family Dynamics, Gen, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Major Character Injury, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Permanent Injury, Recovery, Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel), Whump, thor tries his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:49:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28877487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beb/pseuds/Beb
Summary: Loki lost his leg in a tragic incident, and it was Thor's fault. Or, in Loki's belief, Thor was the one to blame.Things were not easy for the two of them
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	My Shivered Bones

Thor cough up blood and smoke in his throat, and had to grit his teeth tight to stop himself from screaming as the movement doubled the pain in his chest. Something _shifted _within his shoulder -- something hard and metallic -- and when he looked he learned he got a three-inch-or-so length of a pipe of some sort stabbed right through his skin from the collapse earlier.__

____

They were in a building, he and Loki. One minute everything was fine, and the next it all went to hell. Thor didn't know how, but there was a loud boom, then, next thing he knew the ceiling above them was crumbling down as the floor beneath them started to give out. 

____

The impact knocked him out cold for a moment. When he next opened his eyes it was to the intense pain threatening to pull him right back toward unconsciousness. He groaned, trying to take in his surroundings; it was all dark, the air tasted like smoke and debris. Then it clicked; Loki. He was nowhere to be found. You were with him before --

____

"Loki?" Thor called, hissing at the pain but trying his best to ignore them. His voice hoarse and not as loud as he had hoped, though he had to keep calling. "Loki? Can you hear me? Whe - where are you? Loki?"

____

Silence answered him. Panic began rising up his stomach when he realised he didn't know if his brother was alive. "Loki? Lo--"

____

Someone's coughing caught Thor's attention. It didn't sound far away.

____

"Loki?" Thor asked, hope flooding through like an ocean wave.

____

"Here," came his brother's quiet voice. It sounded too weak for Thor's liking, there was pain in it and Thor felt a pang that he knew wasn't from his own physical injuries.

____

"Are you -- are you hurt?" He asked again. His hand coming up to grab the pipe on his shoulder and, even though he knew it was a bad idea, pulling the thing off in one quick movement. Hot white pain shot through him, and it took him everything not to scream. Warm liquid flooding down his front, no doubt blood. Thor ignored them and started trying to move to where Loki's voice came from. It wasn't so far. He couldn't see, for everything was dark, but he could follow his brother's voice. "Tell me are you hurt?"

____

"I'm... I don't, I don't know," Loki said. Thor heard fear in his voice and he tried to move -- to crawl -- faster, despite his own wounds. "I can't move, Thor." He added, this time there was panic creeping in Loki's voice. "I can't -- I -- I'm stuck. I'm trapped. I can't -- I can't feel my leg. I can't --"

____

"Shhh," Thor reached him, just before he could panic and risk hurting himself. "It's okay, it's okay. I'm here. Try not to move, all right?" He cradled Loki's head in his lap.

____

"I -- I can't feel my leg." Loki said, this time the fear in his voice was vivid.

____

Thor looked and held his breath; there was a huge chunk of concrete crashing Loki's left leg from his knee down, trapping it. That and there was blood everywhere. "Can you..." He tried keeping the panic out of his voice, the last thing Loki needed was to know Thor, too, was afraid. "Can you use your magic?"

____

"Can't," Loki said, panic rising and Thor had to shush him again to cool him down. _Too weak. Too injured _.__

______ _ _

"That's all right," he cooed, keeping his brother still. Thor thought about trying to move the concrete himself, because he didn't know when help was going to come, if they'd last that long. If Loki would last that long, apart from his leg being trapped, there was a deep slash right above his knee, and he was bleeding out fast. Loki didn't have much time (and Thor was afraid. He was so very afraid, not for himself, but he couldn't let Loki see his fear)

______ _ _

Thor tried, eventually. But even with his super strength, he, too, was gravely wounded. The concrete wouldn't budge and all that resulted was the agony cry torn from Loki's throat.

______ _ _

And oh Norns, he was bleeding out. His face had already turned as pale as death. He was, Thor realised with terror creeping down his spine, running out of time.

______ _ _

"I'm cold, Thor." Loki said. His voice barely audible. Just a faint whisper. "So cold. I... just want to sleep,"

______ _ _

His eyes were drifting close and Thor knew what it meant. "No, no, no, no," he said urgently, frantically. "No. Stay with me, Loki. With me,"

______ _ _

Loki opened his eyes a slit at Thor's gently but firmly shaking his shoulders, Thor's hand rested firmly on his cheek. "Stay with me, brother. I need you to stay with me,"

______ _ _

"I'm cold," he whined. The urge to close his eyes and just let it all go was tempting. 

______ _ _

"I know. Help is on the way," is it? "I need you to keep your eyes open and stay with me, can you do that? For me?"

______ _ _

Loki murmured something incoherently. Thor looked at his leg again, the bleeding hadn't slowed down. _Your brother is dying. Do something _.__

________ _ _ _ _

Thor torn his cape off of his back with shaky hands and wrapped it tight above the cut on Loki's leg as a makeshift tourniquet. The action earned a soft moan from his brother as he tried to shift away. "I'm sorry," Thor said. "I know it hurts but you have to hang in there."

________ _ _ _ _

The bleeding started to slow down, to Thor's relief. They weren't in the clear, though. Or to be more precise, Loki was not in the clear. Thor wasn't a doctor, but he knew what keeping the tourniquet this tight on for too long would lead to. He couldn't loosen it, either, not when that would mean Loki bled to death. He could only pray someone would find them soon. 

________ _ _ _ _

Half an hour later, help still hadn't arrived. Loki's going limp in Thor's hold chased away whatever relief Thor just had. "Loki?" Thor shook him. He was unresponsive. "Loki, open your eyes. Loki. Loki!"

________ _ _ _ _

Loki wouldn't wake up. 

________ _ _ _ _

"Fuck. Damnit, Loki!" Thor shouted. Just then there were noises; helicopter whirring from above, people shouting and then there were flashlights coming through the holes from the ceiling, footsteps coming closer. 

________ _ _ _ _

"Thor?" Thor recognized Steve's voice, Steve's shouting, among the others. 

________ _ _ _ _

"Here!" He shouted back as loud as he could. "We're here!"

________ _ _ _ _

When the flashlight shone on his face, blinding his vision for the moment, it felt as thought he was reborn. _Hang in there, brother. Hang in there._

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor never liked hospitals. He'd never really been in one that much often, only when he got hurt during a mission after living on earth. And he'd been establishing himself here for only about a year and a half. Hospital was like a healing chamber on Asgard, he never liked that, either, for it was where people came and never left.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor thought he never hated being in the hospital as much as he did now, with Loki fighting for his life in the operating room. Because Thor didn't know if his brother was going to make it. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_He will. He has to._

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Strange and his team are good at their job," Steve had reassured. Thor wished he could wholeheartedly believe that, and it wasn't because Thor didn't trust Stephen Strange -- he wouldn't have trusted any other surgeon to care for Loki when his life hung on a thread but Stephen, but Thor had lost Loki far too many times in his life of late, he couldn't afford losing him again.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They tended to his own wounds, the doctors and the nurses, much to Thor's disapproval (it took Tony and Steve coaxing him into agreeing to let them take a look at all those cuts on his skin, you won't be helping your brother in any way when he's in a surgery. Right now just let them take care of you, Tony had said, insisted, and Thor only agreed so they'd stop bugging him) He couldn't care less about his own far-from-life-threatening injuries, it was Loki he was worried about.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He sat on a chair in the waiting area, anxious and lost. Steve and Tony kept him company, but Thor never felt more alone.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"It's my fault," Thor broke the silence, at last. "Loki didn't want to go. I... I dragged him there. I told him he had to... stop locking himself in his room and start living, that's why I said he was coming with me to the mission," the mission that could kill him.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It was supposed to be easy, harmless. They had done that a dozen times, only that there was never an ambush -- they were careless, and Loki paid the price.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"None of us could've known, Thor," Steve said. It was... true, in some part, in some other part they all knew every task they took there was a risk, a risk they were willing to take. Thor thought it wouldn't have affected him this much, had it been his own life in danger.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor said nothing. The place fell silence again and -- for how long Thor didn't know, for how many more hours he never kept track -- Stephen Strange finally emerged from the door and walked toward them.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor shot on his feet, heart beating loud in his chest. "How is he?"

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It would take some times for the anaesthesia in Loki's system to wear off, then he would wake up. He would wake up and he would live.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They allowed Thor to see him, and his friends gave them both privacy. Thor entered Loki's ward with quiet footsteps. His brother looked... tiny in that bed with various tubes and machine surrounding him. You did this, whispered a venomous voice, and Thor was having a difficult time silencing it. He stopped in his track, taking in Loki's condition, for a breath or two before he took another deep breath and walked further toward him.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

His left leg was... fucked up, to put it as it was. Thor gulped and forced himself not to look at it. Loki was alive, that was all that mattered.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There was a chair next to his bed and Thor sat on it, watched the heart monitor next to Loki, beep steadily, and the slow rise-and-fall of his chest.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They would get through this. They had to.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Loki swam back to consciousness in about half an hour later. He couldn't speak -- shouldn't be speaking with his body still being intubated -- so Thor had to quickly stop his attempt when he tried to speak. "Shhh," Thor said. "You cannot speak right now, but you will be okay. It's me. You -- you will be okay," Thor forced a smile, he hoped it reached his eyes. It, at least, calmed Loki down.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Why are you lying to him? _Thor ignored the voices and continued soothingly running his hand gently through his brother's hair.__

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"But it could all be okay, right? The infection could still stop and he'll... he'll get to keep it," Thor asked, the need to believe in his voice was persistent.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As a doctor, Stephen had long gotten used to telling a patient's family not-so-good-news. He knew the only thing worse than outright telling them the ugly truth was to give them false hope. This time it was different. Thor was a friend, so it was, understandably, harder. He sighed, averting Thor's eyes. "We've talked about this, Thor." He said, because he had explained everything to Thor again and again, the first time was after Stephen walked out of the OR. Thor understood it, of course, but just like any other family, Thor didn't want to accept it.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Yes, and you said there are still chances,"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Yes, a small chance, close to zero. We'll have to wait and hope for the best. But as a friend, I don't want you to keep your hope up too high,"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor opened his mouth, but no word came out. He looked at Loki thought the glass window from just outside the ward. His brother was sleeping, still with those tubes and IV fluid. Thor sighed without saying anything.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You haven't told him, have you?"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No," Thor said. He wouldn't look at Stephen.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Listen, as his doctor, you do realise I have to tell him, right? He has the right to know,"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I know. I know,"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"But as your friend," Stephen sighed and paused. "You have to tell him, Thor. It'd better he hears it from you than me."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor didn't say anything. Stephen patted him on the shoulder and walked away. Thor kept his eyes on his brother, still sleeping on that hospital bed, and felt another pang in his chest. "Oh, Loki, I'm so sorry," he murmured to himself.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

How he was going to break the news to him, Thor was utterly clueless.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You are quiet," Loki said, breaking the silence, after the second day of his staying in the hospital. The tube was removed from his throat since he could breathe on his own now.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor looked at him from the armchair, eyebrows rising.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"What is it?" Loki asked.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"What is... what?"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Loki chuckled wryly, hollowly. His voice still hoarse after the intubation. "You can tell me, Thor. I know you. There's something you haven't told me. Might as well get it over with."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Loki, I..."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Come on, brother. I can see it on your face. You've never been good at... pretending everything's fine," Loki glanced at him with a tired smile, his head rested on the pillow. He still looked like he'd been hit with Mjolnir, the bruises on his skin were dark and grotesque, and the cuts that occasionally bled through the gauzes, painting the spots red, Thor couldn't quite look away from them, even if he tried. His leg, though, was the worst.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor sighed. There was no sugar-coating, and he knew it. "All right then," he ran a hand down his face, searching for the right words there was none. "The doctors said there's... there's infection in your left leg, it's not promising."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Loki blinked, but said nothing. Thor continued, "They're monitoring it, but chances are, if it spreads, we'll have no choice but to cut it off."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor studied Loki's face carefully, preparing for any breakdown. Loki just looked at him with blank expression. Like he hadn't heard anything Thor'd said. "Loki, I... are you okay?"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You can't," he said bluntly, catching Thor off guard.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Can't... what?"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"My leg, Thor. I won't let you or anyone cut off my leg."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor chuckled wryly, taken aback. "Brother, I - I don't think you understand. If the infection spreads and you keep that leg, it'll kill you."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"So be it."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"What?"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You heard that right, Thor. I will not let them take my leg,"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Loki, what? You'd -- you'd die!"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I know that." 

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No, no, you do not understand."

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I understand just fine. I'd rather die than be disabled, Thor. Don't you understand?"

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor was... at a loss for words. His brain couldn't quite process what Loki was saying; Loki was clam, too clam. He'd expected him to lash out, break down. He'd expected him to be angry and yell at him. This... Thor hadn't expected this.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I'd rather die than be disabled. ___

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"What do you mean it's his choice?" Thor was losing his mind. (At least Stephen was glad his office was soundproof) "He's willing to die, Strange. Don't you see how crazy this is? He's not thinking straight."

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Listen, I know it's shocking."

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"It's total nonsense!"

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Thor, your brother is an adult and is mentally capable of making his own medical decision --"

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Decision to let himself die?!" Thor cut the doctor off.

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Legally, he has the right to choose what he wants for himself." Stephen's voice was calm. Why is he still so calm? This is wrong. This is so fucking wrong.

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor shook his head. "No, you don't understand. My brother is -- Loki is..." Thor gulped, he paused for a moment before he continued, "He's suicidal. He used to..."

_______________Loki hanging off the Bifrost bridge, looking up at Thor with that look on his face -- his face that lacked of all emotions, then he let go. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Has he ever had any medical record, any history of seeing a psychiatrist..."

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"No, no, are you insane? This is Loki we're talking about,"

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Right, I know, but Thor, without any written record he legally has the right to --"

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Doctor Strange," a nurse barging into the room interrupted whatever it was Stephen was about to say. "It's Loki. He's crashing."

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Stephen led the way. Thor ran right behind him. He thought this might be the longest run in his life, Loki was dying. Or dead. They rushed to Loki's ward to the erratically beeping of the ventilator and the scream tearing through Loki's throat, and Thor swore he'd never heard his brother sound so deeply in pain.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Loki, what's going on?"

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Me leg!" He screamed. "It hurts!"

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There was blood leaking through the bandage wrapping around his leg, turning the sheet red. For the moment Thor forgot how to breathe, how to function. Someone shoved him to the side as nurses rushed past him. When he was about to go to Loki someone stopped him. "Sir, you need to wait outside," she said, Thor couldn't really process what that meant. A dozen or so of doctors and nurses surrounding his brother's bed, speaking overlapped each other, shouting things Thor didn't understand. And they wouldn't let him go to Loki. Why wouldn't they let him near his brother? They had no right.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They were taking Loki away, wheeling his bed past Thor without stoping for any explanation. "Wait, where are you taking him?" 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"He's septic. He needs surgery now." Stephen said, and that was it, he didn't give any more explanation.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They were taking Loki away and Thor watched, stunned. Loki looked at him, reaching out for him, then he cried, "Don't let them cut my leg, Thor. Don't let them do it. Don't let them!" He sounded scared, vulnerable and helpless. Then he was gone. It all happened in an instant Thor couldn't process it all, couldn't think straight.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He sank down on a chair in the empty ward. Suddenly everything was so quiet. Quiet, lonely and empty.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Don't let them cut my leg, Thor. Don't let them do it. Don't let them! Those were Loki's last words. _Thor couldn't get them out of his head.__

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Before he knew it he was back at the waiting area, the same spot he sat two days ago as Loki fought for his life during his first surgery. He was living that terrible moment again and it felt like he was suffocating. The air didn't reach his lungs, the unknown -- of whether or not Loki would make it this time -- was swallowing him whole.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Steve was kind enough to come and keep Thor company again. He didn't have to. He shouldn't have had to bother. Whether or not a friend was here to give him comfort words, Thor was just as alone. They couldn't comfort him, Loki could die or was dying or was already dead, and there was nothing Thor could do.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

An hour passed before Stephen came back with unreadable expression.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"How is he? Is he..." Thor's voice shook, Steve stood next to him, hand on Thor's shoulder.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"There's something I need to talk with you," Stephen said, voice stern. Thor nodded slowly, wordlessly, trying to clear his mind and focus, and to prepare for whatever was about to come. "The infection in your brother's leg is too severe. We can't save it,"

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor listened. He felt numb, but he forced himself to listen. "You mean to tell me..."

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Amputation is our only option right now, and I know Loki opted against it. But the thing is..." Stephen paused, "The thing is he didn't get the chance to sign the paper, and right now he's incapable of making the decision himself, which means...."

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Which means what?"

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Which means it's your decision, Thor, and you have to make it now." Stephen gave Thor a paper and a pen. "If you sign, we'll start the procedure now. It's the only way to save his life."

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If Thor felt numb before, he felt even more numb now. He'd prepared for many things to happen, he didn't prepare to be the one to have to make the decision now. And really, he knew he should be glad. If Loki were to call the shot, he'd let himself die. Here Thor could... Thor could save him, but at the cost of Loki probably never forgiving him. Loki had made it clear enough what he wanted, even if Thor disagreed.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Thor," Stephen said after Thor was silent. "We don't have time here. Do I have your consent?"

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I -- I don't know. He'd never forgive me."

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I need a yes or no, Thor. Do I or do I not have your consent?"

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor looked at Steve, then back at Stephen, but he was utterly on his own here, no one could make the decision for him. _It's the only way to save his life _. "Fine! Fine, do it." Thor grabbed the paper and quickly signed his name. Stephen nodded, "We'll do our best," he said, before disappearing back in the OR with Thor's signature.__

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor stood there, and even with Steve's keeping telling him he made the right choice, he couldn't quite shake away the feeling that screamed he'd just betrayed his brother's trust in the most unforgivable way possibly.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The surgery went well. Loki would live... with the cost of his leg, but he would live. Thor stood next to his bed -- his brother was still under the anaesthesia -- and thought he'd rather Loki hate him than lost Loki altogether.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You did the right thing, Thor." Steve said. And Thor knew it was the right thing, he just wished he could wholeheartedly believe that.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Loki woke some times later. Thor was alone with him now, rehearsing his speech in his head, how he was going to tell him.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Thor?" Loki said, his voice still hoarse and hardly audible.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"It's me," Thor forced a smile. "I'm here, brother."

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"What... happened? I, Thor?..."

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Shhh," Thor tucked a strain of hair behind Loki's ear, cupping his face. "It's all right now. You are going to be okay,"

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Can't feel my leg," he said, still so quiet, barely a whisper.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thor looked away. Whatever emotion flashed through his face, even just a second, Loki caught it. "Thor, what... happened?"

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Loki, you'll be --"

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

But Loki already shoved the blanket, covering his body, away. And there, his left leg, below his knee down, was gone. Just a bandage wrapped around the cut. It was just gone. Loki gasped, speechless, and Thor didn't know what to do (Thor had expected to slowly bring the news to him. He didn't expect it to be this fast; Loki just yanked the blanked away and that was it)

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"It was the only way," Thor said, breaking the dreadful silence. "You wouldn't have survived. I had no other choice, Loki."

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You did this?" And it was the hurt in Loki's voice that felt like a slap to the face to Thor. He'd expected Loki to be angry. There was no anger on his face, just pain and nothing else. "You did this to me,"

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I didn't have a choice,"

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"But I told you. I told you this is not what I want, Thor. I told you."

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You would've died,"

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Yes, and I told you I would've preferred that to... to this," Loki looked at him now, there were tears in his eyes.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You... you couldn't have mean that," _could you? _Because Thor knew Loki enough, and he knew that was exactly what his brother wanted; death. Thor just didn't want to believe it.__

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"So -- so you just let them do this to me?"

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Loki, please, just --"

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"How could you do this to me?"

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"Because I couldn't lose you!" Thor didn't mean to raise his voice. Loki flinched and when Thor realised what he did silence devoured both of them alive.

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"Loki, please," Thor said again after a moment. His voice soft and filled with desperation. Please what, he wouldn't know. Please forgive me? Thor knew he couldn't just ask that.

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"But you already did," Loki said after another moment. His voice lacked of all emotions.

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"What?" Thor didn't understand.

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"You said you couldn't lose me. You already did."

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"Loki, I --"

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"Get out, Thor." Loki cut him off without looking at him. His voice still lacked emotions.

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"Loki, come on,"

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"I said get out!" Suddenly he turned and screamed, voice loud enough it echoed in the ward. He obviously shouldn't be straining himself like this. "Get out! Get away from me. I don't want to see you. You did this to me. Get out. Out!!"

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Thor stumbled backward. A couple nurses rushed inside the ward, one with a syringe, the other was asking Thor to leave. Thor wanted to protest, of course, he knew he had no choice but to walk away, for the sake of Loki's health -- his brother wouldn't calm down, if Thor stayed.

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He watched the other nurse inject the needle into Loki's arm, despite Loki's fierce struggling. He went out like a light only a short moment later. Though his voice in Thor's head only got louder; you did this to me.

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~~~

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Thor stayed at the hospital even though Loki wouldn't let Thor see in his little ward. Thor hovered stubbornly just outside the window, making sure Loki was okay even if Loki wouldn't so much as look at him. He slept on a couch outside the ward every night, always asking Stephen for an update every time the doctor did his round. There was pity in Stephen's eyes whenever he looked at Thor hanging around the ward, never going anywhere. "His recovering is marvellous," Stephen said. "I'm guessing it also has something to do with his anatomy and his having healing power of his own,"

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"Yes," Thor smiled. "I'm guessing that helps, too. Though you do most of the work, Stephen."

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Stephen smiled back. "It usually isn't my place but, as a friend, do you want me to talk to him?" He lowered his voice, making sure Loki couldn't hear their conversation from just outside the ward.

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"No, no, that's... he'd chase you away, too." Thor said, knowing his brother well and knowing things would likely go ugly, if Stephen or anyone were to speak to Loki about anything in Thor's favour. Right now he only blamed Thor for the loss of his leg, he'd blame more people if they started bringing up Thor -- Loki needed those people to care for him, Thor couldn't' have him chase them away the way he did Thor.

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~~~

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The hospital discharged him a week later. Thor took him home, because, much to Loki's dismay, he didn't really have anybody else besides Thor (Steve and Tony offered to help, but Thor couldn't burden them with this much trouble) The ride back to the Avengers compound was silent. Loki wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't look at him; his head rested against the window, absentmindedly watching the trees blur together as Thor drove the car by.

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They reached the compound. Thor helped Loki get out of their car to the wheelchair he got him. Loki made sure he made everything as difficult for Thor as he could -- a claw shooting out, aiming for Thor's eye the second Thor touched him, and Thor had to hold both his wrists firmly as Loki hissed and snarled like a cat. "Enough of this, Loki"

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"Do not touch me."

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Thor carried and placed him down on the wheelchair, nonetheless. Happy was already there, welcoming them home. Just Happy, because Thor had told everyone not to make it a 'big deal' -- a surprise welcome-home party would only push Loki over the edge. He told them all not to make comments, to pretend not to notice the new physical state in which Loki was in. So they acted like everything was normal, for Loki's sake.

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Tony had suggested to change Loki's room, move him down to the lower floor, for obvious reason. He meant well, and it was... actually a good idea. Thor rejected it on the spot, because doing anything out of ordinary would, in Loki's belief, feel like a slap to the face, a reminder of his new condition; he was... disabled, helpless, he wasn't the same anymore, and that -- those thoughts, those constant reminders, they would destroy him. No, the team had to act like everything was still the way it used to be.

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Thor brought him back to his room, it was the same just as when Loki had last been in it. He stopped the wheelchair as close to the bed as possible. When he tried to carry his brother off the wheelchair and to the bed Loki protested. "I can do it myself," he said, voice harsh.

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"All right," Thor stepped away, still not too far. If Loki were to fall, he'd be there to catch him in time.

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Getting himself out of the wheelchair was difficult a task, sure he could still use his remaining leg, but it was the adapting part that was nearly, if not completely, impossible. Loki sank himself on his bed without looking at Thor. At least he made it.

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"I'll.... do you need anything--"

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"No," Loki cut him off. "You can leave now."

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Thor nodded. Though he wanted to stay, this was better than Loki outright screaming at him to get out like in the hospital. Thor knew better than to push him, or at least he learned from his mistake. "Okay, just... call if you need anything." And with that he was gone.

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~~~

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Thor stayed by the phone all the time, hoping for a call or a text from his brother in just the next room. Of course nothing came.

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He eventually dozed off, probably from all the sleepless nights staying up worrying about Loki, even if Loki made sure Thor knew he resented the affection.

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The commotion coming from the other side of the thin wall woke him up. He had about ten seconds when his mind still wasn't fully functional, and when it was, he realised the noises came from Loki's room.

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Thor was there within five seconds. He pushed the door open to Loki lying on the ground, surrounded by shards of broken glass scattering around.

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"Loki!" Thor rushed to his brother, not caring if he could step on those glass in the process. Questions later, despite Loki trying fruitlessly to push Thor away, Thor carried him off the ground and back to bed.

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"What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

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"I'm fine," Loki pushed Thor's hand away.

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"You're bleeding," Thor said. There was a cut on his arm, must be from the glass. It wasn't too deep, but it was oozing blood still.

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"I'm fine, Thor."

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"Loki, what happened?"

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"It's fine."

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"Please, brother, I want to help."

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"Oh, really?" Something twisted in Loki's eyes, and Thor realised his mistake just a second too late. "You want to help? You want to help? You are the one making me this way. Do not talk to me about you wanting to help me, Thor. I am in hell, I am suffering, and it's because of you!"

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"And you think I want this?" In the heat of the moment Thor shouted back. "You think I had them cut off your leg because I wanted to what, spite you? Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I don't know you are suffering? For fuck's sake, you are my brother and it hurts me just as much as it hurts you to see you in pain every day."

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"Then why didn't you let me die?! It would've been easier for me, for both of us. I don't want this life. I had a life and you took that away from me. You were selfish, Thor. You were a fucking coward!"

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"Well, maybe I am. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't let you die because you're the only family I have left. I'm sorry, all right? But if I could turn back time, I'd make that same decision again and again if it meant I got to save you."

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"I can't even fucking walk!" Loki's voice shook, then tears were running down his face. "What am I now, Thor, huh? Look at me, what am I now? My whole life now depends on you. You fucking chained me to you like I'm a fucking dog. You did this to me. You did this!" He was sobbing hysterically, hands clenching into fists as he hit Thor again and again.

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Thor let him. And when Loki tried himself out Thor pulled him into a hug, seating on the bed next to him and let him sob against his chest, Loki's hands clenched tight around the fabric of Thor's shirt, like he was afraid of letting go. 

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"I'm scared, Thor." Loki said between his sobbing. "What am I -- what am I gonna do now? I'm -- I'm useless. I can't do anything. I don't --"

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"Shhh, it's okay. It's gonna be okay. I'm here," Thor ran a hand through Loki's hair, comforting him.

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"I'm scared," Loki said again, and this time he sounded so young it made something in Thor's heart ache.

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Thor kissed the top of his head, holding him closer. He made a mental note to tend to Loki's cut from the glass earlier, but right now, being here, and just having him in his arms, was enough. Thor didn't really want to let go, neither did Loki. 

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"It's going to be okay, Loki. You will always have me."

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**Author's Note:**

> If you folks want more of me, I am also available on [Tumblr.](http://bebx.tumblr.com/) Drop something in the inbox if you want to, I won't bite.


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